Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.