Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was read more

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be read more

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.