My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.