I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.