Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn read more

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what read more

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...