If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.