When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?