Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I speak two languages, Body and English.