I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.