A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was read more

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.