The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.