I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.