A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'