A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.