I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.