If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb.

The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.