I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.