Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.