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    I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

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  10  /  19  

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such read more

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.

by Arthur Brisbane Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  10  /  16  

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  9  /  20  

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

by Milton Berle Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  14  /  20  

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

by Fran Lebowitz Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  48  /  20  

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

by Groucho Marx Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  11  /  9  

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

by Groucho Marx Found in: Funny Quotes,
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  19  /  17  

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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  27  /  26  

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

by Mae West Found in: Evil Quotes, Funny Quotes,
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  37  /  37  

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

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