I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Don't play for safety--it's the most dangerous thing in the world.

Don't play for safety--it's the most dangerous thing in the world.