To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.