Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another read more

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.