As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.