If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself