There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

What you get free costs too much.

What you get free costs too much.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.