There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.