Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another read more

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back