Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.