After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.