There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.