Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.