I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was read more

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.