Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

Egotism is the art of seeing in yourself what others cannot see.

Egotism is the art of seeing in yourself what others cannot see.