Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was read more

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure