I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.