The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.