Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.