I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.