Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

What you get free costs too much.

What you get free costs too much.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?