The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only read more

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.