I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.