Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.