Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

A line is a dot that went for a walk.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.