If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.