Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself