Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.rn

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.rn

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.