I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was read more

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part

Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.