After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.