The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh.
And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous.
By'r Lady, read more

Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh.
And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous.
By'r Lady, he is a good musician.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

There's a woman in China having a baby every 6 minutes.
They're trying to find her to stop her.

There's a woman in China having a baby every 6 minutes.
They're trying to find her to stop her.