I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it read more

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.

It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' read more

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'

Wit is cultured insolence.

Wit is cultured insolence.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people read more

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.