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    a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
    for a guy... the plant is already dead
    (monologue Dec 10 2003).

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  22  /  17  

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you read more

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

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  23  /  12  

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

by James Gibbons Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  22  /  33  

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

by Wendy Wasserstein Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  13  /  36  

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke
in the world.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke
in the world.

by George Bernard Shaw Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  22  /  36  

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people read more

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

by George Bernard Shaw Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  17  /  32  

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

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  17  /  30  

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

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  16  /  22  

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

by Bob Edwards Found in: Humor Quotes, Laughter Quotes,
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  21  /  34  

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to read more

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
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