I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'