Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a read more

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.