When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.