Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story read more

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.