There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.