If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb.

The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.