Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is read more

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.