Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.