If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be read more

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.”

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.