Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and read more

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

There's a woman in China having a baby every 6 minutes.
They're trying to find her to stop her.

There's a woman in China having a baby every 6 minutes.
They're trying to find her to stop her.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.