One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a read more

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).