A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' read more

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

I wish there were more humor in my work than I see in it.

I wish there were more humor in my work than I see in it.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out read more

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Wit is cultured insolence.

Wit is cultured insolence.