A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

I wish there were more humor in my work than I see in it.

I wish there were more humor in my work than I see in it.