If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If we are forced, at every hour, to watch or listen to horrible events, this constant stream of ghastly impressions read more

If we are forced, at every hour, to watch or listen to horrible events, this constant stream of ghastly impressions will deprive even the most delicate among us of all respect for humanity.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.

In brief, I don't stick to declare, Father Dick,
So they call him for short, is a regular brick;
read more

In brief, I don't stick to declare, Father Dick,
So they call him for short, is a regular brick;
A metaphor taken--I have not the page aright--
From an ethical work by the Stagyrite.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Vitanda est improba Siren Desidia. (That shameful Siren, sloth, is ever to be avoided.)

Vitanda est improba Siren Desidia. (That shameful Siren, sloth, is ever to be avoided.)