Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a read more
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything read more
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.
With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
The gods too are fond of a joke.
The gods too are fond of a joke.
