Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it read more
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but read more
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Wit is cultured insolence.
Wit is cultured insolence.
