Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.
Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if read more
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of read more
Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana.
Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.
Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
