Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy read more

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you read more

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one read more

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a read more

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has read more

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework

When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love read more

When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you