Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to read more

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the read more

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

In the end, everything is a gag.

In the end, everything is a gag.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.