Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out read more

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's
butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British read more

I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's
butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence.
It turns out he only took up residence in 95.

In the end, everything is a gag.

In the end, everything is a gag.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke
in the world.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke
in the world.